so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
