Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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