was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
