He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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