Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
