Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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