i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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