I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
