Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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