12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
