They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
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Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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