Betty ford says i'm here all night
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
pray to the hookup gods
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
