i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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