i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
