FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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