life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
