i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
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this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
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Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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