i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
