I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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