She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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