explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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