My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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