remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
