just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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