she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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