i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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