Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
So many bounce houses so little time
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
