remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
