I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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