i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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