Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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