It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize