i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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