then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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