God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
did you just send me my own nude
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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