I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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