Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
