Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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