I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
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i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
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ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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