So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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