I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
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Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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