im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
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iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
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After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize