I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
