he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
