I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
