totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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