The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize