R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
