I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
