and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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