Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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