flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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