I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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