oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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