Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
