Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
