Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
