So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
