I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
